


Over Silver Bridges

by CallMeHopeless



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Bad Mind Set, M/M, Melancholy, Merlin is sad, Merlin thinks too much, New Year's Eve, New Years kiss, They will be fine, arthur helps him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 21:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9092044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallMeHopeless/pseuds/CallMeHopeless
Summary: On Christmas Day, it struck to Merlin just how much he loved his family and friends. And suddenly, losing them was everything he could think about and he felt his heart break more and more every day. Thankfully, his colleague Arthur was there to pick up the pieces.





	

Merlin knew that being sad was stupid. Especially when he didn't have a proper reason. He just was. It had all started when he looked at his family on Christmas Day and watched them open their presents. He watched his parents smile fondly at each other and couldn't but feel so much love towards them.

When he met up with his best friend Will, he watched him for an hour, trying not to be too obvious, thinking how lucky he was to have him in his life.

The next time he saw Arthur, his work colleague, he regarded him more closely (if that was even possible) and fell more and more in love with him.

And then he went home and stroked his cat. He lay down on his bed and cried into his pillow thinking about how everything was temporary. Nothing would just... stay. Things would change and Merlin didn't like change. He'd found a grey hair on his mothers head and spotted deep wrinkles around his father's eyes. He wished he could freeze time and make everything stay just as it was. Because all things considered, he was happy. He was content and yet... he didn't know where the sadness came from and he didn't really want to know. All he knew was that he was afraid, no, terrified of losing something he loved. He couldn't and didn't want to think about it and yet it was what made him lie awake at night, what made him look at old people differently. Their age alone revealed how much they must have lost in their lives. Not only their youth or their looks or their ability to see and walk properly, but people. They must have loved and lost so much and Merlin, being only twenty-five, wasn't sure he could do it.

Life was cruel, is what he'd decided. Life didn't ask if someone was ready or stable or happy. It just happened whenever and however it wanted and Merlin hated it.

 

He thought about little else for a couple of days. At least he went to work, it gave him something to do. It was only a small book shop but they did feel the post-Christmas crowds looking for ways to spend their money. He was busy stocking the shelves when suddenly, something hit his head.

'Merlin,' a voice hissed right by his side.

Merlin looked up and saw Arthur standing next to him, looking a mixture of concerned and irritated. He held a coiled up magazine in his hand which Merlin still felt on his head.

'What's got your knickers in a twist, mate? You look like the world is going to end tomorrow. You have been looking like that for a few days now. Are you okay?'

Merlin nodded and forced himself to smile.

How would anyone ever understand what was going on in his head? How would he tell Arthur that he thought about whether or not he should just move into a hut in the forest to avoid being hurt over and over again. How would he express his constant fear of losing the people around him? How would he...

'Hello? Merlin? Merls,' Arthur waved a hand in front of his face.

'Mh?'

'You're really starting to scare me. I'm gonna make you some tea,' Arthur murmured and walked away, leaving Merlin to his thoughts once more. He sighed and stacked away more books.

Maybe books were an easier companion than people. He could fall in love with characters, he could think himself into the action... he didn't need people for it. Then, he remembered how many fictional characters he'd already mourned and dismissed the idea instantly. No. He would just have to...

'Tea?'

Arthur held a mug out with a steaming hot liquid inside and Merlin took it gratefully.

'Thank you,' he tried to say but it came out as a whisper.

Arthur continued staring at him with an unreadable expression.

'Listen, is everything okay at home? With your parents? With Will? You all good?'

Merlin nodded and sighed. He knew he was being over dramatic but for some reason, he just couldn't stop.

'Yeah, it's just... yeah.'

Arthur looked intently at him as if trying to solve a difficult puzzle.

'Alright,' he finally sad and seemed a little deflated. As if he'd just given up.

'But you know that if you need to talk, I'm here, yeah?'

Merlin nodded thankfully, smiling faintly. He did know. He knew from the moment he'd met Arthur that he'd tell those big, honest eyes everything.

 

*

 

Merlin found himself pretty much in the same mood the next day. He woke up, chewed on a piece of toast and sipped his tea, sighing and thinking about being alone in this world. What would he do if suddenly everyone was gone and he was alone? That was the worst thought of them all. Being unloved and alone.

 

'You look just as bad as you have yesterday,' Arthur remarked when he walked into the bookshop.

'Ta ever so much,' Merlin tried smiling.

'Are you sure you're okay?'

Merlin nodded because what else was he supposed to do.

 

Arthur left him alone for half of his shift but when Merlin was in the storage room, looking for a permanent marker to write a few sale signs, Arthur came in and closed the door behind him.

It was dark and narrow in there and Merlin got nervous:

'Wh- what are you doing?'

The only source of light was a single bulb in the middle of the room but it flickered dangerously.

'I'm worried, Merlin. I hate being worried. I want to know what's wrong. Why do you keep looking like someone has died?'

'Because someday, they will.'

They stood in silence, Arthur facing Merlin and Merlin keeping his eyes firmly on the packs of paper and other stationary on the shelve next to him.

'What do you mean they will someday?'

Merlin put the mug down, exasperated.

'I don't know, I just... I look at my parents and my friends and I feel so much love, Arthur. I feel all the love in the world and then you turn on the TV and the news are full of people who've died and I just...'

Before he could finish that sentence, Arthur had put his arms around his friend and pulled him into a very tight hug.

'Why do you think about things like that?' he whispered into Merlin's ear.

Merlin was extremely glad that they were currently in the storage room where nobody could witness the scene. He would never hear the end of it because apparently, his crush was very obvious – to everyone except Arthur.

'I don't know,' he answered truthfully and let himself sink into the embrace.

'You really shouldn't think about things like that.'

Merlin knew that Arthur had lost his mother very early but he never talked about it and Merlin felt bad for bringing his own living family up like that.

'I'm sorry,' he said. And he was. Sorry for everything. Sorry for thinking like that, sorry for saying it out loud and especially for telling Arthur.

'It's alright,' Arthur said and released him.

'I know how you feel right now. I've felt like that a lot of times before, especially with my sister. I really wouldn't know what I did if something ever happened to her,' he admitted and tried to smile.

'But then again,' he continued, 'I came to find that it is much better to enjoy the time you have with the people you love. You can mourn them when they're dead. Don't mourn them while they're alive.'

Merlin nodded slowly.

'Sorry, I didn't want to get you down.'

'No worries.'

He squeezed Merlin one more time before letting go.

'Everything will be fine, Merlin. It will.'

And with that, he opened the door and walked out. Leaving Merlin panting because the closer Arthur got to him, the more he thought about losing him (never mind that he didn't really _have_ him in the first place). Those were dangerous thoughts indeed. Of course, Arthur was right. It was stupid to mourn people who were still alive but he just couldn't stop his thoughts of straying into that direction.

 

*

Two days before New years eve, Merlin still wasn't better. He'd told Will that no, there will be no celebration of any kind that year because he just wanted the year to be over. The whole year had been a roller coaster and if he thought about it, there were very few highs and incredibly many lows.

He kept thinking about all the bad things that had happened that year and how he wished things would be different, as Arthur approached him.

'You're still sad,' he observed.

Merlin sighed.

'I know, I don't know what it is, I just can't seem to stop.'

'Maybe it's because you're alone all the time, maybe you need someone to be there for you.'

Merlin laughed humorlessly.

'Yeah, brilliant idea. I'm just gonna get me a boyfriend and when he leaves me or dies in the future, I will be alone again and... who am I kidding. Finding someone who you can describe as your better half is exactly what it is. Half of you will go away or die. Half, Arthur. That's 50 percent.'

Merlin knew he was being over dramatic but he couldn't stop. He didn't want Arthur to have a bad opinion of him, he wanted to stay friends but somehow he couldn't stop talking.

'Are you saying that you don't even want to try out of fear that you might lose him?'

Merlin stopped rearranging the books in front of him for a second and looked at Arthur, deep in thought.

'Yes,' he finally sad.

'You're so full of it.'

Merlin stared at Arthur as his friend flushed more and more. Merlin had never seen him so angry.

'You'd rather be alone your whole life just because you're afraid of losing them someday? That's so fucking stupid, Merlin.'

Arthur rarely swore and it was that outburst that made Merlin stare at him wide-eyed.

'Do you even know how much you can hurt other people with that attitude? How much it would hurt your parents if they knew? Or Will? Have you ever thought about that?'

'Why are you even still talking to me,' Merlin whispered and tried wiping the dust of one of the books.

'I'm clearly upsetting you, just... just go away please.'

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Arthur shake his head.

'Not happening, mate. You and me, we're going to figure this out.'

Then he left. He didn't talk to Merlin for the rest of the day and Merlin was glad. He didn't know if he could cope with it. Arthur had looked at him so sadly that Merlin almost felt bad for his own melancholy. But he simply couldn't help it.

 

*

 

'Tomorrow is New Years eve,' Arthur remarked when he saw Merlin the next day.

Merlin tried smiling and nodded at him.

'Yeah,' he agreed. He didn't want to be sad anymore. He tried not to be. He wanted to be happy if only to make Arthur happy.

'Any plans?'

Merlin shook his head.

'Nah... Will wanted to do something but he was invited to this party and I thought it would be better if he went without me. Bad mind set and all.'

Arthur nodded in understanding and walked towards Merlin, slowly.

'You?' Merlin wanted to know, suddenly nervous.

Arthur shook his head.

'Not yet.'

Merlin nodded, smiling.

'You'll find something.'

'I'm sure.'

His eyes roamed over Merlin intently.

'Still sad?'

Merlin shrugged.

'I'm getting better. Yesterday I kept looking at my cat... she's ten already...' Merlin decided to be truthful. Anything else would be too complicated.

For a moment, Arthur simply stared at him.

Merlin didn't have the time to contemplate what was happening, when Arthur suddenly surged forward, cupped Merlin's face and kissed him.

Merlin tried relaxing into the kiss, this was what he'd wanted for so long after all, but he was more confused than ever.

Arthur broke the kiss and touched his forehead to Merlin's.

'Sorry,' he whispered.

'How was that for you? Because for me, it was the most terrifying thing I've ever done and I'm incredibly scared of your reaction but on the other hand...'

He moved away and looked Merlin in the eyes.

'On the other hand, that was the most fantastic thing I've ever done and I feel things I didn't know I could feel. That's what you're doing to me. You make me feel alive.'

Merlin felt like all the remaining breath in his lungs dissipated and he couldn't breathe.

'You kissed me,' he simply stated, looking at Arthur wide eyed.

He could tell that Arthur was nervous and he had his face scrunched up.

'Yeah,' he murmured finally, trying not to look directly at Merlin.

Merlin didn't know what he felt. He felt happy, he was scared, he was excited and incredibly confused.

'Was that okay?' Arthur asked when there wasn't an answer from Merlin. He didn't trust himself to speak properly so he simply nodded.

'Do you... what do you...' Arthur huffed and laughed nervously.

'This is fucked up. You're sad and I kiss you. What was I thinking?' He said that last part mostly to himself.

'Could you... do it again?'

Merlin finally asked, feeling flustered.

Arthur's gaze snapped up and he searched Merlin's face for something.

'Yeah?'

Merlin nodded.

This time, he was ready when Arthur softly placed his lips on top of his. He let his eyes flutter shut and placed one hand in Arthur's neck.

When he finally pulled away, he found Arthur looking at him inquiringly.

'Am I making things difficult for you?'

Merlin nodded, laughing hysterically.

'Kind of. You make me worry about you, too.'

'But is worrying about me a reason not to be with me?'

Merlin's eyes widened.

' _Be_ with you?'

Arthur nodded.

'I thought the kissing you part implied that I would like to...'

Merlin considered Arthur for a moment.

'You really shouldn't be around me... especially when I'm this sad because it happens very randomly.'

Arthur chuckled and a small smile played around his lips.

'I don't care. I want to be around you when you're sad.'

Merlin wanted to say something to that but as soon as he'd opened his mouth, Arthur started sputtering, a very violent blush appearing on his cheeks.

'I mean, not when you're sad. Or rather, not _only_ when you're sad. I always want to be around you. Er, happy or sad. Well, I prefer happy but if I get sad I'll take sad and... uhm, I'll stop talking now.'

Merlin didn't really know what had happened. The only thing he did know was that when Arthur started speaking, warmth shot through his body and he could feel goose bumps all over. His melancholy was almost blown away and the only thing occupying his thoughts was how much he wanted to love that boy in front of him. He wanted to love him every day for the rest of his life (however long that would be).

He smiled at Arthur, who just pinched his nose.

'Sorry Merlin, I'm not... I'm not the most articulate of blokes. I guess, what I'm trying to ask you is...er, if you don't have any plans yet, would you like to do something together on New Years eve?'

Merlin regarded Arthur seriously. He wasn't sure what gave him the courage to ask. Maybe it was the feeling of not feeling alone. Maybe it was the sudden rush of adrenaline and maybe, just maybe it was that Merlin did really love his life. He asked:

'As in, a date?'

Arthur nodded, still red in the face.

'Yeah, like a date.'

Merlin nodded and smiled at him widely.

'I would love to.'

Arthur stared at him for a second before releasing a breath.

'Oh god, thank god, I... oh... I wasn't sure because you were so sad and I... oh god please do tell me if you just said yes because you're sad and I kissed you, because...'

'Arthur?'

'Yeah?'

'Shut up.'

Arthur laughed, a full blown, head thrown back laugh.

'Saying that is normally my job,' he said smiling.

Merlin nodded and grinned back.

'I know but usually it's me who's rambling and you kind of stole that from me.'

Arthur's gaze softened and he took Merlin's hand in his.

'Thank you for saying yes.'

Merlin snorted.

'Just wait until we actually are on that date. Maybe you'll change your mind about me,' he murmured, staring at the ground. Arthur said nothing but smiled fondly at his younger colleague. There was no way that he would change his mind.

 

*

 

On the 31st of December, Merlin found himself standing on a silver bridge that went over a duck pond in their local park, waiting for Arthur. He'd been early, giddy with anticipation. The night before, he lay awake, staring at the ceiling deciding that Arthur was right after all. It was a stupid thing to not let people close to him just because he was afraid of loosing him. Thinking of the kissed they had shared made his heart flutter and giggle. His cat probably thought he'd lost it completely now but he couldn't help it. He was okay. He felt okay. He would be okay.

Standing on the bridge, he looked over the frozen pond, admiring the ice glittering in the moonlight. He was almost twenty minutes early because he simply couldn't wait any longer. When Arthur finally arrived, he put his hands around Merlin middle from behind and rested his chin on Merlin's shoulder.

'Thank you for coming,' he whispered before letting Merlin go and rummaging in his bag.

'Thank you for inviting me, although, I might change my mind on that. It depends on whether or not I will freeze to death because it's,' he glanced at his watch, 'only ten to eight and we have to stay here until _midnight.'_

When he turned around to face Arthur, he saw his friend smile widely.

'I'm so happy you're no longer sad,' he simply stated before getting several blankets out of his bag.

'I wasn't sad,' Merlin started, 'more like...'

'Depressed?'

'No.'

'Unhappy?'

'No.'

'PMS-y?'

' _No_ , melancholic, I guess.'

Arthur nodded in understanding, the hints of a smile visible.

'I know.'

Merlin nodded in turn. He knew Arthur did. Funnily enough, in the past three years that they'd known each other, Arthur had somehow always known. Always understood and always been there. That was the main part why Merlin had fallen in love with him. Because he was beautiful, inside and out.

'You really expect us to sit on this bridge until the fireworks go off, don't you?' Merlin asked with a defeated huff.

Arthur had already sat down on the now well cushioned ground (how had he even carried so many pillows to the pond?) and was currently trying to open his thermos.

He nodded enthusiastically.

'Yes, yes we will.'

'Planned this date yourself, did you?', Merlin asked sarcastically but Arthur ignored it completely and answered truthfully:

'I did,' he looked up at Merlin and gave him a meaningful look, even though Merlin didn't quite understand.

'I want to show you the universe, Merlin. I want you to see and to feel how significant everything in this world is, including you and your family. I want you to focus on the positive things that happen to you. Like discovering a really good book or, hopefully,' he blushed and looked down at the pond, 'a good new year's kiss.'

His gaze landed on Merlin once more.

'I want you to see the stars and the beauty of a frozen over pond and I want you to know that yes, life can be horrible. It can hurt and it can make you feel like you can't breathe anymore. But always, always remember this little silver bridge over the frozen over pond and think of me... and remember how beautiful this world – how beautiful life is. Can you do that for me?'

Merlin was left speechless. He just nodded, his mind reeling. How had he gotten this lucky? What had he done right in his life to deserve this boy sitting in front of him, determent look on his face, smiling like he'd just seen the sun for the first time.

Merlin was only pulled out of his thoughts when Arthur tugged on his sleeve to make him sit down. He let himself be manhandled into a sitting position, leaning against Arthur, with a thick blanket wrapped around him.

'Arthur?'

'Mh?' he asked as he continued to fuss over Merlin to get him into a comfortable position.

'Is it to early for this new year's kiss you were talking about?'

Arthur stopped in his tracks and sat back on his heels, considering Merlin critically.

'I really want to say yes because it really has to be on midnight but I really want to kiss you, I'm torn,' he finally said and the seriousness in his tone made Merlin giggle.

'In that case, we will wait. Traditions are a fine thing, after all,' Merlin said and watched the other people walking around the park, laughing together and wishing each other a happy new year. And suddenly it was very clear for him that this was here and now. This was the present. He didn't know what would come in the years ahead of him. The only thing he knew was that he would deal with it. He would deal with everything thrown his way because that's what people _did_. He sank down and pulled the blanket around him tighter.

For the next few hours, the two of them talked about everything and nothing. Merlin explained to Arthur how much he did love his family and how mad he was at himself that he was unable to tell them. He tried telling them through his hugs and he knew they understood but he really wanted to tell them someday. Someday when his thoughts were not so anxious about losing them.

Arthur talked about his sister and how she was very precious and how he held onto her for dear life when their mother had died.

Together they sat and talked and smiled and held hands.

Arthur stroked Merlin's palm with his thumb and both of them were content. Completely and utterly content.

When the countdown started, they were to busy gazing into each others eyes and when everyone around them started to cheer, when they'd reached zero and the fireworks started, Merlin just leaned in a bit, waiting for Arthur to meet him half way.

'Happy new year,' Arthur whispered and pressed his lips slowly on top of Merlin's.

Merlin had to admit, Arthur had been right. A great new year's kiss really could make everything right with the world.

 

 

 


End file.
